WHY YOU MUSTN'T GET MARRIED/START A FAMILY

Pundits opine that the family is the microcosm of the society. For me, this is not unconnected to the witty realisation that most human problems are a result of the failure or negligence of the family. Suffice it to say that every nation should have a 'Ministry of Family Affairs' which should exist to teach people when or how to start, and not to start a family, as well as running a family.

Juvenile delinquency and crime is an issue almost always traced to family instability, parenting and divorce.  Psychological assay almost always shows that issues relating to violation of generally accepted moral standards and most issues of addiction are hugely traceable to poor family values, negligence and hardship. Whether you deny a child parental affection, show disinterestedness in issues personal to him, demonstrate indifference when it comes to his values or deny him provision of his/her  basic needs, the possible consequences are the same, you risk raising another delinquent or felon.

Unfortunately, societal expectations make things harder. There is a social convention in Society which presupposes that at a certain age, a man or woman should have been married and probably had kids. So people are subconsciously pressured to get married, and consequentially procreate when they get to a certain age. This is unfortunately to the detriment of society in general, and children in particular. Society also expects that only mature adults should attempt starting a family, but this begs the questions - is social maturity a function of age? Is age a signal that it's time to get married? If your answer is outright NO, then your guess is as good as mine.

In 2015, my friends and I were en route to Ebonyi state from Lagos. We were traveling in a Hilux vehicle and the plate number was an official one, and this made it easier to predict our destination. We got stuck in traffic in a place called '9th mile. Suddenly a man knocks on the driver's door and asks for a lift. We unanimously obliged him since we were headed for the same location. Much to my chagrin, he came with his whole family. He had with him five glaringly malnourished kids and a wife who was still heavily pregnant. What! I felt a combination of bitterness and pity. I was angry with the man because he was far from being impotent and at the same time far from being financially buoyant enough to sustain his family. I felt pity for a helpless wife who was either too broke or not literate enough to go for birth control, and for the helpless children who may soon end up in the streets as beggars or petty criminals – that’s if they survive. I've discovered that the poorest of men in Nigeria have the greatest number of kids (as from six), while the wealthy give birth to an average of three kids - what an irony!

Beyond the social pressure, the desire to get married as soon as possible and birth kids is in most cases not unconnected with cultural or religious inclinations and illiteracy. However, those reasons are not sufficient enough to give credence to an unbridled decision which has a lifetime consequence for the most vulnerable (women and children). It all comes down to a commonsensical self-introspection; why should I get married when I'm deficit of the requisite financial, intellectual, emotional and social resources needed to start a family?

Summarily, there are three areas I believe a man/woman must achieve maturity before they talk about getting married or starting a family:

1. Financial Maturity: This is arguably the most important requirement for starting a home. It’s not enough to marry by faith in God, you also need faith in your bank account or source of income. No man is qualified to propose to a woman if he doesn’t have a reasonable and stable source of income. If you are going to become broke after your wedding then you have no business marrying or starting a home. In other words, marriage should only become a consideration when you have a stable source of income and you presently have resources enough to comfortably take care of yourself and at least two other persons. Sorry to say, but a man who can’t boast of a few millions in his account should at most talk dating and not marriage. Don’t look for an innocent woman who will endure suffering whilst serving as a baby-making factory. For women, total dependence on a man in the 21^st century is complete foolishness. Anything can happen, so you need a backup for yourself and your kids in the absence of your husband. Marriage is sweeter with money. 

2. Intellectual Maturity: If all you know is how to give your spouse sexual satisfaction and surprise them with gifts and romantic gestures, then you must be joking. The bible admonishes that knowledge should be a key ingredient (1 peter 3:7). Don’t go into marriage all full of age, hormones and emotions, with a porous mind. Study about spouse management, parenting skills, emotional management, family planning, temperaments, family values, communication skills etc. Divorces don’t happen because cash or sex stopped flowing, most of them happen due to knowledge gaps. Endurance may fail you, but wisdom won’t.

3. Emotional Maturity: I’m not talking about love here, love only works when there is sufficient resources and understanding. Whether you like it or not, feelings can only go so far, but not far enough. There is a thing like ‘love-span’. Emotional maturity is your ability to understand and manage your emotions and that of others. Examples include managing your anger, learning to listen and reach compromises in some issues, taking responsibility for your own mistakes, being tactful, being empathetic, seeking and appreciating alternative views, resilience, approachability, humour, calm demeanour, selflessness etc. It allows you to take charge of yourself and your family whilst eliminating unnecessary tensions.

The above areas of maturity have nothing to do with age or gender. You mustn’t be 100% mature, 60% is reasonable as long as you are willing to improve with time. If you are 40 and you are still broke as hell, please remain single. However, if you are 25, but you are ‘well-cashed’ and emotionally mature, you can go ahead and propose. The younger, the better.

In conclusion, everybody has a different timing; your timing is determined by your readiness. Don't let people pressure you into marriage. Because marriage is about responsibility, age is just a number!!!

Ezeme Kingsley C.

Kingynelsy@gmail.com