How to quit seemingly addictive sexual relationships

                                    

     

The first thing to say is that it is very easy and at the same time difficult to opt out of prolonged dating relationships, especially in cases where the couple fully explore their sexual freedom. It's simple because it doesn't need a special type of wittiness or experience, and difficult, because it would require unsentimental determination and discipline to achieve.

So why would someone want to end such a relationship?

It could be for religious reasons. As part of repentance and as a way of regaining sexual purity, religious people try to opt out and abstain from sex, but this isn't possible as long as they are still in that relationship. Sadly, they can't realistically opt out.

It could also be because the relationship is simply wearing them out and they need a break and probably more time to think about and for themselves.

In some cases, the relationship so obviously has no future and is just useful for the sex, romance and nothing more. People tend to suddenly realize that a relationship should beyond just pleasure, add meaning to their lives. Whatever the reason for a desired quit is, what's problematic is that it becomes a herculean task to freely opt out of something you freely opted in to.

So why can't people just opt out?

It’s usually because they are complicatedly in love or addictively attached to their numerous ecstatic sexual encounters. But beyond pleasure, sex has a way of ruggedly knitting willing souls together and that is in cases where it doesn’t trigger automatic hatred. While some persons believe that there is a Spiritual undertone to it, this is what neuroscience has to say:

When humans have sex, there are three main neuro-hormones that are released for men and women, and a fourth just for men. These hormones impact the way our bodies behave, and influence our minds and thus our perception of reality.

The first one is dopamine. Dopamine is the pleasure high, the fireworks. Dopamine is one of the most fundamental neurotransmitters we have. Basically we are dopamine machines. The expectation of dopamine drives our mind to control our body to do things. We think you wanted a coffee to perk yourself up, but in fact it was a dopamine cycle that kicked in to make your body get up and find a coffee to sate the dopamine expectation.

The next is serotonin. Serotonin is serenity, ecstasy and the state of grace. It is the lingering pleasure sensation we get that is less intense than dopamine, but nonetheless a powerful driver for our behaviors. Serotonin is about feeling good, really good.

The third, for both men and women, is oxytocin. Oxytocin is the bonding agent, the cuddle chemical. This bonding agent makes us want to connect, physically, with another person. And once connected, stay connected. It is a powerful force, one that men sometimes complain about “she wanted to cuddle, I needed to get to work”, and women too “… and then he just left me”. Oxytocin can be easily fabricated, just with close contact to another human being (or a pet). Just twenty seconds of hug contact, even with a stranger (with a tolerable level of body odor), can dramatically boost levels of oxytocin. It is very much the bonding glue for humans.

The fourth chemical is a male neuro-hormone, vasopressin. Vasopressin is the protection drug, one that kicks in to support feelings of possession and desire to thwart anyone else taking possession. This is now the knight in shining armor threatening to skewer any rival that comes near (or more realistically, the inner thug who would bash someone over the head). So we have two people (or more, depending on how extreme your lifestyle might be) engaging in a deeply sexual act, and inside the brains you have a rush of chemicals. These chemicals control our bodies response to the act. Moreover, the recollection of this chemical experience will be encoded into our memories so that if we dig back in our minds to experiences past, we can regain at least a part of the actual feeling experienced at the time.

Now for some controversy, and this is all based around our vital bonding agent, oxytocin. When you continue to have sex with the same person, there is a buildup of oxytocin. You may have noticed that you become closer and closer to a person in the first months of meeting them. There is (hopefully) a desire to see the other person again, to be bonded, and to deepen that bonding. Hence the desire to go on holiday together, do more things together, spend more time in each other’s company (which also prevents someone else sneaking in).

 Oxytocin has its own expectation effect. Just like the quest for dopamine, there would be a desire to get another oxytocin hit, a friendly hug perhaps, or more. Oxytocin itself becomes addicting and with continued presence of another specific person, this becomes encoded to the other person. For some reason, there is a preponderance of Oxytocin as the sex continues leading to the reduction of other sexual hormones. Hence, the bonding is maintained while sexual excitement reduces. It’s at this point that the urge to quit starts ensuing. Oxytocin can also erase the memory of a former sexual partner. Men can relate to this better haha. The end result is that it wouldn't be easy opting out of such a relationship even if you mentally want to.

So how do you opt out?

To save people from drug addiction, rehab centers must first separate the addicts from the drug. Similarly, opting out of addictive sexual relationships is about strategic separation or disconnection, and, that’s what I'm going to briefly explore.

Firstly, decide to damn your partner's feelings or response; I know you still care but you just have to decide or pretend not to care about how they would feel or react to your quitting the relationship. During counselling, I've heard a number of ladies say "I want to leave him but it's going to make him feel bad, he may not survive it", but that thought is an entrapment you must escape. If he or she would die or commit suicide because you quit, then they deserve to die. I mean that if all life is worth to your partner is constantly having a piece of you, then you have been dating a fool and the world could do with an additional space. At this stage, the only important person should be you and what you stand to benefit from quitting.

Secondly, quit notice; there is no official, considerate, compassionate, understandable or mature way of quitting relationships, especially one already tearing you apart. Whether you quit nicely or harshly is immaterial, either ways, a heart would still be broken. So, don't even think about meeting to talk things through with them or to pay them 'one final courteous visit' to be understood before you quit. If you do, you are going to end up having an amazing sex which would continue the cycle. The easiest way to quit is by sending an easy text message that reads “just to let you know that it is over between us, I quit". As simple as that without any endearment.

Thirdly, eliminate possible connections; you start by immediately switching off your phone and changing your SIM card after the quit notice. Continue by deleting their contacts from your phone, clear your gallery of all their memories, block them on all your social media platforms, make sure you give your new contact only to those you trust enough not to give them to him/her etc. Whatever you do, the plan is to make sure you don't hear from them or even see them (consciously avoid and deny them the faintest attention when this isn't possible). It's needless to remind you that you should neither visit nor allow them visit. Change location if you can. Distance and time just has a way of helping you recover.

Finally, have a strong personal conviction or motivation before you attempt a quit. There has to be something clearly at stake and which you wouldn't be willing to jeopardize. It could be your relationship with God, your focus, visions or self-actualization. Because in the end, there has to be a consciousness vital enough for you to sacrifice your emotions for or suppress hormonal urges. Otherwise, you would go running back to him/her within days. You won't die, you will live and you can find love again and under the right circumstances.

As simple as these tips are, discipline is crucial if you must succeed. You deserve better!!!

Ezeme Kingsley Chukwuebuka

kinglyconsult@gmail.com